Running

Let me begin by saying I have no problem with sports. In fact, I'm quite the fan of organized athletics! I've sank more hours into fantasy football leagues and NFL mock drafts than any self-respecting person should be able to admit to. (what's that say about my self-respect, am i right? oh man). But one sport has always struck me as more than strange. What the hell kind of sport is running?

On one side of the argument, you have those who argue that running, be it track or cross country, is the ultimate sport. Their reasoning is that it is the most pure of abilities, running without having to worry yourself with balls, rules or decisions. Apparently this is what makes it superior. To that, I reason that they would also like to eat an unlevened loaf of bread for every meal, every damn day of their life while all of the cool kids eat pizza, steaks, salads and fried chicken (because, you know, some people like salads).

To those who find themselves impassionately entertained and engaged by competitively running a predetermined distance, may I also recommend the fascinating worlds of competitive paint drying, ass-wiping and wall staring. Who can stare the hardest!? Damn that ass is clean!

Going back to the stupid analogies, running as its own entity seems almost like buying a copy of Call of Duty without owning an Xbox, and just going home and playing with the disk. Running shouldn't stand alone, it's already involved in like every sport known to man! If we're doing that, why don't we offer contemporary pencil technique as a mandatory core class? God knows we write so damn much throughout the day in every other class, we might as well give it its own little hour!

Plus, I'm slow. That has nothing to do with this though. Did you read my analogies?! I'm not slighted in any way by the fact that I've gotten beat by a lineman in a windsprint. Nope. Stupid running.