It's just pooping; hop off the throne bro. (not literally, though.. or at least wipe first, if you do)

Lately, as I've paraded my blog around the internets seeking effusive praise and ego massages, I've been upset to hear that some find my humor to be a bit pretentious. Clearly my abstract analogies and abstract...er word play (not a good example) drives some people off, so in this blog I've decided to expand my audience, in order to tickle the funny bone of those whose funny bones are not as taken with uproarious, clever wit and charm as I'd prefer. I googled some Adam Sandler movie trailers to find out what the kids are into these days, and I came to the conclusion that there was only one way to go with this entry: potty humor.

Yep, that entire paragraph was just an incredibly
long set up to a real crappy punchline.
Oh, someone stop me.

On the matter of toilets: why are people so concerned about them? It's all too often that I'll hear a classmate mention in passing a trip home they took in order to use the facilities there, insinuating a total refusal to use the perfectly good toilets our wonderful faculty have worked so hard to provide for us! Perhaps school bathrooms aren't the most pleasant of environments, sure, but when did pooping become such a sacred event that it was to be catered to like a Bat Mitzvah or first date? Pooping is inherently gross, it's freaking poop! What do you expect? There should be no qualms about gross things happening in gross places; people put their trash in garbage bags, not elaborately wrapped gift packages.

If you seriously have an issue with doing your business in the confines of a public restroom, perhaps consider for a second that the actual action you are performing has been popularly dubbed "taking a dump". Taking a dump. A dump. Does you think that word suggests the sound of clinking champagne glasses drowned out by the giggling of lapdance expert super models while you ruffle carelessly through a stack of one hundred dollar bills, only to realize you lost count? Please let me leave that question rhetorical.

When something bad happens, often you may utter the phrase "crap", or "shit", or perhaps "poopy" if you're of sophisticated tongue. Fecal matter is not a good thing! It's human nature to hate our dumps. They smell awful, they waste our time, and they just make us hungry again. Is there any place more appropriate to do rid of them than a questionably sanitized room that sort of smells like a mix between urine and ammonia?

p.s. - if you actually do think my humor is pretentious, you can shove it. i will never conform to you bastards