The Political Media - The One I Cut Into Two Posts Only For The Sake of Inflating Entries (Part 1 of 2)

I'm aware that I'm not broaching any new territory here with this blog post; anyone with an opinion will probably tell you that at large the media bias is out of control. It's a bit sad that something as pure and essential as news has been needlessly tainted by prejudice and careful skewing by the big wings, left, right, and unfortunately in this case, NOT everything in between. For me personally, this is no longer a big deal. Anyone who only gets their news from one source is either waiting to be mislead or making sure they only hear what pleases them. However, deep down, it's still bothersome that this is the way news media is, and is likely the way it will stay throughout history, despite the fact that it really doesn't need to be that way.

Everything and anything is subject to media spin. It seems as if Sarah Palin's daughter is pregnant before marriage!

  This, of course, makes her more identifiable with the common family, 

everybody has some dark family issues! 

Wait, no, if she can't manage her own family,

how could she manage the country's highest political office?!

This just in, there has been a massive oil spill into the gulf!

Once again, big business has found a way to carelessly

destroy the environment we love so much.

Louisiana congress has still yet to take a stand in

the restoration of their gulf!

Breaking news! An elderly man died peacefully of natural causes!

Is Obama doing enough to protect our senior population!?

Does he hate old people!?!

Once again, hard-headed Republicans cost our nation

another life by refusing to fund stem-cell research.

Recently, a controversy of this sort was started when presidential hopeful Rick Perry sputtered during a nationally televised debate. He was answering a question regarding which departments of government he'd like to overhaul, first specifying that there was to be three, and soon himself unable to remember the final department he intended to list (he gathered himself later in the debate and recalled that it was ). It was embarrassing. Sure, maybe it made him look a little bit stupid. And perhaps it's even warranting of national attention; I know I at least found it entertaining. But it was a mistake, a natural error! Really, it was an innocent one at that, to assume suddenly because you're running for president you are less prone to losing your train of thought than anyone else is ridiculously absurd.When did it become inexcusable to be human?!

Clearly it did at some point, because I was soon conducting on interview on the matter with FOX-KFXA 28/CBS 2 News...

It's just pooping; hop off the throne bro. (not literally, though.. or at least wipe first, if you do)

Lately, as I've paraded my blog around the internets seeking effusive praise and ego massages, I've been upset to hear that some find my humor to be a bit pretentious. Clearly my abstract analogies and abstract...er word play (not a good example) drives some people off, so in this blog I've decided to expand my audience, in order to tickle the funny bone of those whose funny bones are not as taken with uproarious, clever wit and charm as I'd prefer. I googled some Adam Sandler movie trailers to find out what the kids are into these days, and I came to the conclusion that there was only one way to go with this entry: potty humor.

Yep, that entire paragraph was just an incredibly
long set up to a real crappy punchline.
Oh, someone stop me.

On the matter of toilets: why are people so concerned about them? It's all too often that I'll hear a classmate mention in passing a trip home they took in order to use the facilities there, insinuating a total refusal to use the perfectly good toilets our wonderful faculty have worked so hard to provide for us! Perhaps school bathrooms aren't the most pleasant of environments, sure, but when did pooping become such a sacred event that it was to be catered to like a Bat Mitzvah or first date? Pooping is inherently gross, it's freaking poop! What do you expect? There should be no qualms about gross things happening in gross places; people put their trash in garbage bags, not elaborately wrapped gift packages.

If you seriously have an issue with doing your business in the confines of a public restroom, perhaps consider for a second that the actual action you are performing has been popularly dubbed "taking a dump". Taking a dump. A dump. Does you think that word suggests the sound of clinking champagne glasses drowned out by the giggling of lapdance expert super models while you ruffle carelessly through a stack of one hundred dollar bills, only to realize you lost count? Please let me leave that question rhetorical.

When something bad happens, often you may utter the phrase "crap", or "shit", or perhaps "poopy" if you're of sophisticated tongue. Fecal matter is not a good thing! It's human nature to hate our dumps. They smell awful, they waste our time, and they just make us hungry again. Is there any place more appropriate to do rid of them than a questionably sanitized room that sort of smells like a mix between urine and ammonia?

p.s. - if you actually do think my humor is pretentious, you can shove it. i will never conform to you bastards

I Hope They're Not Getting Paid for This One

Ever watch an episode of a TV show where they've clearly just mailed it in for the season? The writers have already written, say, 26 episodes, and they're really running dry on content. So they shoot a cute little introduction scene that makes everything seem just as usually scheduled, and then all of a sudden you notice something is horribly, horribly wrong. It's a clip show. The second the characters begin to even audibly contemplate reminiscing of old times, you totally give up hope. You are about to be in store for a compilation of already published material, I mean, already aired television, repackaged with a pretty bow and pushed as a new episode. Oh, the nerve.

Say, do you guys remember my very first blog?



Caring Too Much: An Affliction

It's interesting to see how far I've come since then. First, it's abundantly clear to me now that the ideas I established in jest there were far more dangerous than I'd ever understand. That gorgeous little blog entry was actually the only entry I wrote the entire first half of the term. I somehow thought that by cutely observing my lack of work ethic, and successfully diagnosing the underlying issue, I would somehow alleviate all possible issues pertaining to my workload. I later discovered that telling someone they have a fatal, imminent disease does NOT cure them of its horrible symptoms.



Haha, yeah, but you remember that time he did a serious blog?!
Upon My Death - Not a Satire Piece

I really liked writing this one. I got to flesh out some mature ideas without the aid of stupid analogies or hilarious jokes for once, and really flex my writing chops unadulterated for the first time. I know that it probably wasn't as entertaining for most as the rest of my blog entries, and because I intend for my blog to be a constant source of entertainment for my wonderful friends, family, and according to my pageviews list, fans in Germany, it's probably not something I'll come back to right away. That, and it's actually a lot more difficult without my awesome wit and wonderful charm to lean on as a crutch. However, it IS a 3 parter, and I promise there are still at LEAST two blog entries full of thoughts on the matter yet to be expressed.



That all reminds me of the time Marty took on the Illuminati!
Illuminati - Congratulations, Scientology, you're no longer the stupidest train of thought practiced!

I like to be cutting-edge when it suits me. Although there is certainly a lot of satisfaction in taking a microscope to massive concepts like, say for instance, pooping, and writing extensive essays on those, there is something lovely about running at that current, super relevant piece of pop culture phenomena with a broad-ax. Plus, the embedded soundtrack was a beautiful touch.




Roll credits.

Everyday Effects of my iPod

My birthday came and went on November 7th. For the first time in my life, there really were no flairs or figurative fireworks. I was given a credit card and told to buy whatever clothes I wanted, and I told my parents to buy me an iPod. They did, which put me on my 5th so far (lost, broken, stolen, broken). I've made it clear before on this blog that I love music, a lot, and a constant stream of it in my ears regardless of location is something that keeps me in good spirits. However, after about 4 months of not having one after it broke this summer, I began to get used to it. Eventually I almost forgot how freaking awesome iPods were. Then I remembered.

thanks mom and dad :)

My iPod enhances my day in every possible way. Every part of boring, mundane life is suddenly pumped full of vibrant, animated life when I turn the music on.

Making the long trek from the Lovely Lane parking lot to Kennedy High School in the cold fall morning. God this is boring and/or miserable.

Add some good alternative rock, and all of sudden I'm in the intro to an indie movie. The streets might as well be animated like in the intro to Juno. I'm no longer thinking about how freaking cold I am. Nature is beautiful. Is it just my imagination, or are my steps beautifully rhythmic?

Taking a dump. God it smells awful in here. I'm uncomfortable. This toilet seat is weirdly warm. Oh, oh... yep, there we go. Here comes a little more. Oh, would you look at that, there's no toilet paper...

Add some hard rap, and all of a sudden I'm pooping like a true gangster. I'm bumping my head to the beat, and I don't even care how bad it smells in there. I'm definitely weighing out the benefits of getting into some hardcore drug dealing. Plop. I made that poop my female dog. No toilet paper? No problem. No one likes me anyway, nothing a little bold scent will change.

In math class. Good lord this is boring. Should I take a restroom break and exchange filthy banter on the walls of the bathroom stalls again? No, I did that yesterday. I guess I'll just stare blankly into space for 30 minutes.

Add some good music, and all of a sudden I'm actually occupied for the first time all hour. I'm still in math class, but, it's an iPod, not a holy grail.

Things That Bother Me and I Hope Also Bother You So We Can All Relate - The Space-filling Blog

As you can probably tell by reading this blog, I hate a lot of things. Unfortunately, not ALL of these things have quite enough substance to break down into a 500 word blog entry, or at least not comfortably. Don't think for a second, however, that these ideas are not brilliant in their own right! In fact, in sort of a "Island of Misfit Toys"-esque blog entry, I will share with you some of the annoyances that just didn't quite make the much vaunted cut of Diaries of an Indifferent White Man. Until now!

• When you're eating a hot dog, and a disproportionate blog of ketchup drips off of the end portion and gets on your shirt.
• The way you can scald your tongue for one second on a hot beverage, and it will still painfully inhibit your taste senses days later.
• People who constantly say "facebook is lame now! follow me on twitter!!! @terriblegenerictwittername" somehow not recognizing that Facebook and Twitter serve completely different purposes and can coexist peacefully.
• Jeff Dunham, and the way his terrible jokes and mediocre impressions are somehow masked to the public eye by puppets. Didn't we get over that whole phenomena at the age of 6?
• How as much you hate to admit it, you really don't like that restaurant/book/tv show/song/band/ as much now that everybody else knows about / loves it too.
• The fact that for some reason mediocre rappers, guys who are not capable of sounding decent reading words rhythmically over a pre-produced instrumental, are given unlimited opportunities to act. 
• Facebook's constant desire to change everytime we get used to it. We get it, you are very talented programmers. Stop mucking with my newsfeed.
• People who think making racist/offensive/morbid jokes are funny because they're being edgy. Yes, I know you saw the four funny cartoon boys on the telebishon do it, but you clearly don't have the tact of Eric Cartman. 
• Much is made of "nerds", or intellectuals, being discriminated against, but in this day and age I almost feel as if there's a much larger negative stigma associated with athletes. They were never really all charmless, awkward pencil pushers, and we're not really all near-retarded, blow-up doll banging alcoholics. Yes, I'm speaking for athletes. Shut up.
• I have got a lot more blogs to write.

Why the Packers Will Repeat (pt. 2) - The Blog With Its Tail Between Its Legs

I posted a blog entry a while back in which I excitedly professed my belief that the Green Bay Packers will once again bring home the Lombardi. That opinion has not changed. However, after watching the Packers squeak out a win against the San Diego Chargers today, I felt today would be as appropriate a day as any to complete the blog that a bright-eyed, idealistic boy began with such innocence.

Perhaps this post doesn't really belong on this blog, but I it needs to go somewhere, so... If you don't enjoy the sport of football, or unpleasant, disjointed rants, for that matter, I wouldn't read anymore of this. 

Excerpt from "Why The Packers Will Repeat (pt. 1)"

poor, naive soul.

I would no longer love to talk about defense.

Green Bay Packers, reigning Super Bowl Champions. Ended last year with the #2 defense in the league in terms of points given up. Only significant change from last year? Loss of oft-injured defensive end Cullen Jenkins, who never really played much last year anyway, down the stretch. So. What the expletive happened?

Let's look at the key performers.

Clay Matthews-

2010:

Fought through constant triple-team blocking assignments on his way to a 14-sack season, while finishing runner-up for prestigious Defensive Player of the Year award.

2011:

Washed out of games by mediocre blockers, registered 3 sacks on the year.

Charles Woodson-

2010:

Outstanding "jack-knife" defender, blitzing from slot, wreaking havoc on the backfield and jumping hella routes for interceptions.

2011:

Still getting hella interceptions, at least.

Nick Collins-

2010:

1st-team All-Pro at Free Safety. Made game changing interception in the Super Bowl.

2011:

Career ending neck injury. Stay strong Collins. :(

BJ Raji-

2010:

Constant disruption in the backfield. Fighting through double teams to make a play on a consistent basis. Had a interception for a touchdown in the NFC Championship, too.

2011: 

Just sort of taking up space. No sacks, yet. Didn't really expect another pick-six, though.

Tramon Williams-

2010:

Shut down every wide receiver lined up across from him. Arguably best season of any cornerback in 2010.

2011:

Constantly confused in coverage, not assignment sure. Beat often by strong, physical receivers. Far cry from previous year.

whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhy.

Okay, seriously.. who hid the HGH?

I See No Text Between Those Lines

Analysis of literature is an important part of education, I well realize it's pointless to try and argue against that. Please do not be offended by anything you read here, especially if you happen to teach the very concepts I'm about to critique and determine my final grade at the end of the term; this is simply one man trying to find things to complain about on his blog.  That being said, there are times I can't but help consider to myself that a good lot of that language breakdown is a lot of bullpoop.


Oh, there it is.

When we read essays or excerpts, we're urged to identify literary devices, deduce motivation and find subtext; as if the actual text wasn't sufficient. I recognize the value of these practices as an educational tool: they help build a better understanding of language, help note patterns evident in effective writing, and encourage thinking outside of the conventional literary box. That about pushes their value for me.

I don't represent the pinnacle of writing, obviously, but when I write, it flows naturally in order to best paint the picture I desire and to entertainingly convey the ideas I wish to create. Some literary devices may wind up in there as a result of this, and perhaps I may unconciously slide in a parallel between my subject matter and oppression in Sudan, but at the end of the day I'm just writing. Of course there are going to be some underlying messages/meaning in some writing, and it'd be stupid to try and say there is NEVER an appropriate role for the illusive subtext in analysis. Today, subtext especially, has been stretched out, exhausted and misapplied more than a fat girl's spandex shorts. (seriously, stop.)

Because of that, the thing that really gets at me is that we're almost losing the true value of subtext when we misapply it so often. Elaborate, artfully construed writing full of purposeful metaphor and intelligent parallel is lost in the shuffle with non-existent, baseless "subtext". A student reading To Kill a Mockingbird for a literature class may blindly suggest that Atticus Finch is actually government intervention in the Chinese Opium crisis during the 1800s, while Boo Radley represents overcoming substance addiction and  Bob Ewell is British antagonization. Sure, you made it work, and that's a very interesting take on the matter, but it's clearly not pertinent to the actual story, or the author's actual intent, in any way! Now, a teacher who has taught the same curriculum on the same book for 25 years is slightly intrigued with a perspective outside the norm and praises their student for intuitiveness and thinking outside the box; all the while actual masterful, effective subtext lays unexplored in novels like H.G. Wells' The Time Machine. 

It's not all on the analyzers, either though. Subtext is abused by the aspiring writer just as often! A bland,  unoriginal  (nonexistent) short story about, let's say, an accountant named Jerry Crane eventually getting shot is met with universal "meh"s, until the author explains to his critics that Jerry Crane is really just one big standing metaphor for Jesus Christ! Nevermind that no other parts of the story actually lines up with the life of Jesus Christ in any way; the protagonist's initials are J.C.! Suddenly his awful tale is met with "ooo"s and "ahhh"s from the uninformed. Way to ruin it for everyone, douche.

As a final note, let me say that I hope one day when I'm rich and famous, as well as a world-renowned everything, English classes across America are forced to break this piece down, just for the lovely irony.

Adventureland (and other not-so-great things obscured by nostalgia)

We look back on our distant childhood memories so fondly. God, Goldeneye 64 will always be the greatest videogame of all time. Man, that drop slide at Cherry Hill was so freaking tall! Wow, could I EVER run out of things to do at Adventureland?!? Even while acknowledging our age at the time, a lot of times these memories remain proportionally impressive as our time on this earth accumulates. As far as I know, Goldeneye is still the best game ever! I'd still probably piss my pants standing in line for that drop slide! Seriously, you CAN'T run out of things to do at Adventureland!

Until you go back.

Apparently, Adventureland isn't even capable of supplying
high resolution action shots. This isn't how I remember it...

There's something not just shocking, but actually scary about nostalgia-shock (coining that phrase right now). When following years of reminiscing, after you actually dust off the old Nintendo 64 and blow incessantly into that Goldeneye game cartridge, your heart actually sinks a little bit once you realize: holy shoot, this game really is pretty awful by today's standards! This slide was not even worth the line I just waited in! Adventureland is boring as hell!

Yes, it's disappointing to think one thing and find quite another, but more than that it feels wrong. Morally, you almost feel robbed. As you realize whimsical nostalgia of your innocence distorted your memory, you might begin to wonder what else has been conveniently "lost" in the rose-tinted fog of yesteryear. Was your toy chest really that big!? Could you really run THAT fast?!? Did your mom mean it when she said she loved you!?!?!

So add "memories" to that wonderful list right next to fine cheeses and expensive wine. As the years go by, you might slowly lose the bad and retain more of the good. Suddenly, you remember that Goldeneye was impossible towards the middle and you never finished it because you couldn't beat that mission in the bunker. Quickly you recollect that the drop slide ALWAYS took forever to stand in line. How did you forget that you can't spend a day at Adventureland without walking at least 5 miles? I already hate the present time enough, when thinking back, I might as well embrace my delusions of grandeur. Besides, the Silly Silo will never stop being fun.

Tempering Expectations - A Venture in Self-Justification, Quality Control and Big Words

As this term has gone on, this blog has been like a child to me. Sure, I didn't really want it at first, but once I realized I was stuck with it, I learned to love it for what it is. Ha. However, as it currently stands I am raising a potential future sociopathic, serial-killer of a blog. It seems that I'll neglect it for days, even weeks at a time; perhaps stopping by a few times to contemplate writing, but ultimately leaving it in that dark, cold, secret attic of my internet browser. Then, when the mood finally strikes me, I'll literally spend hours upon hours, meticulately crafting the perfect blog entry, only realizing after I have spent immeasurable time lavishing my blog with an entry full of niceties that perhaps all along my blog would have preferred to be attended to regularly rather than be starved in the attic for a week, then sporadically begin awarded a luxorious steak dinner. I mean, child. Is it still a child? There was some dinner in there too. It's apparent after 13 blog entries I've exhausted every brilliant analogy in my arsenal. I knew I should have saved the ecstasy and sex for it's own separate entry (bet you want to read the rest of my blogs now, right bro?).

I'm running out of personal photos to manipulate.

With my traditional bar-setting (thank god, in this case) intro paragraph out of the way, I'll cut to the chase. 

Ha.

But really, as impressive as my 13 blog entries thus far clearly are... they represent roughly 13/30ths of the entries I need to have completed by finals. Well, actually, in actual actuality, there is no rough estimate. That's exactly how many I have done, and I need seventeen more. Neither of those previously stated numbers are good numbers. So while I love to put together the expansive essays that I have for you guys in the past, eventually I was going to have to hunker down and write some dumbass entries about tempering expectations to go along with the ones about sex & ecstasy if I plan on passing this course.