Cooling Down

I'm cooling down now. Emotionally, I guess. I was really down on myself, earlier, which was nice because I was writing much faster. It was nice to be upset with myself for once, I won't lie. A breath of fresh, self-deprecating air. But what did I say? I said it at least a hundred thousand million times in my preceding blog posts. None of this will mean anything, because it never does!

But I'm going to keep writing until 2 AM anyway, because that's what I said I was going to do. I'm considering it a symbolic gesture to myself. I just got up and got a drink, and then turned on my phone. Then checked Twitter and Facebook. A symbolic gesture is often an empty one. I closed Twitter and Facebook just now though, I'm keeping the soda and cellular device.

Cooling down insinuates that I was at one point a state that required cooling down from. A state of undesirable intensity or something. That's how people use the phrase "cooling down". After you overreact to something, make a big scene or yell or whatever, it's always "hey man you gotta cool down". If someone is clearly too upset to discuss anything rationally, everyone tells you to "let them cool down for a minute". Once you cool down, once you're cool, everything is back to the way it should be.

But I think more literally cooling down is just the return to usual state of affairs. Not necessarily the best. Just the usual. Because for me, I think I'm probably a better person when I'm fired up like I was two hours ago. If I could capture that kind of tenacity and apply it regularly I'd probably be a 4.0 GPA student. I maintained it for an hour though, which is probably the best I've done for a while. For me, cooling down is just returning to the melancholy complacency the prevails so much of my life. I am not cooling down. I am cold.