Now I Begin a (Brief) Inspired Tear of Productivity pt. 2

And I joke about it, a lot. I tell everyone, "oh haha yep, well my grades are so awful right now". And I laugh. I yuck it up over my shitty life decisions. Literally just because I don't know what else to do about them. My parents have tried everything with me and I just am unable to discipline myself. And I'm scared because I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do in college, because I am a guy that should be getting a college education and I just know that if I can't apply myself in high school then I'm going to be in serious trouble once I get out of the house, into the real world where I have to work for myself, literally and figuratively.

But I DO NOT know what else to do. As driven by nature my intelligence is, is it just that I'm lazy just as horribly? Because I'm running out of explanations. I literally am at a loss. I failed a class last term. I'm at the 99th percentile in aptitude in my class. My grade point average is below a 3.0. Literally my ONLY motivation to succeed is to not upset my parents who I do love so freaking much. But even them, that's not enough. Because I'm selfish!

I know the intelligence/work ethic thing is stupid because intelligence is something you are given and work ethic is supposedly something you decide for yourself. But I'm just a guy lost in a world of fantastic things that I'm unable to appropriately prioritize. I'm not depressed, in fact, far from it, I am so literally almost always happy. I enjoy life so much. I find so many different passions in the world, so many things I appreciate to their utmost that I'm unable to set them aside for the things that I've been taught that matter. I have NEVER been stressed over school work; I literally do not know the feeling. People tell me they're stressed over school and I just CANNOT relate. And yet my grades are proportionately and literally worlds worse than any of these people. It's so very fucked up.

So send me to military school. Put me on Aderall and kill the person that I am, because he's not worth anything but pretty ideas and jerking off his own ego. I'm writing this blog entry right now, and even as I write it, I know for a fact NOTHING is going to change. There is no epiphany. I'm going to REMAIN a fuck up. I'm such a smart guy, and I feel like I have so much to give to the world and I just can't because I am a lazy asshole.