It seems our world has grown utterly complacent. It's disgusting really, how little progress we've made over the last few decades. We used to be constantly innovating the world, tearing apart the very fabrics of our community and reshaping them with daring, maverick hands of the reckless and inspired revolutionary. You think I'm wrong? You say that studies show capability for scientific advancement has actually consistently increased at an exponential rate throughout the last couple of decades? Shut the hell up, you.
Me though... me, I got ideas. I got ideas so big, they have to take pictures of them from space, lay the photo out on the ground and view it from a building-top to even begin to understand a discernable portion of them. I have ideas so brilliant, you could harness them for their pure potential energetic content and power an entire city for a dozen years. I have ideas so good that they're totally great, man. Here are some of them:
The DOUBLE Gun - Everyone likes guns, right? They shoot people, and kill them sometimes. Good guys use them, bad guys use them, guys who have no moral allegiance also use them. Guns make the world go 'round. But what if I said I knew how to make guns better? What if instead of a regular old gun, you had a DOUBLE gun!? That's right! In this one gun, you have a gun as great as TWO guns! Count 'em! Two guns, in one gun. I'll leave the semantics up to the scientists.
Thing Maker - Man, I sure hate it when I really want something, but I don't have it. Don't you? Everyone's had that moment where they totally could use a spare key to get into their care, but don't have one around. Everyone has that moment where it starts raining, and they really need a jacket, but tough shit, motherfucker, no jackets for you. Everyone has that moment where they've been blackmailed by a well-concealed underground vigilante organization with a dedicated vendetta against your entire blood line, and they tell you that if you can't retrieve a strand of Thomas Jefferson's hair that you'll be assasinated, but, oh, you left that at home! The Thing Maker aims to solve that problem! You simply whisper sweetly what thing you want maked into its ear, and it poops it out its big robotic technology anus.
The Chair Pants - You like chairs. You like pants. Yet you can never seem to use both of them at the same time! Well, that was before the chair pants! These pants have flexible, jointed chair legs embedded into the fabric of your pants, and can fold out from strategically located positions on both your rumpus cheeks and the inner-elbow-y equivalent of your leg. Where it bends. You simply squat, fold 'em out, sit wherever you are, and once you're totally rested, you just fold 'em back up and keep on walkin', brotha!
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