Now I Begin a (Brief) Inspired Tear of Productivity pt. 3

I'll probably get into Iowa State by the skin of my teeth, ACT scores let me in even though I'm seriously not in the top half of my class. I'll go there for a semester, maybe two or three. I'll drop out, go to Kirkwood, big university like that just wasn't for me. I'll be a dead beat. I will have a very mediocre life. A wasted life. Maybe. I wonder sometimes if I might find solace in the little things that distract me so effectively today. Perhaps I can still lead a happy life, since I manage to do so now even while sucking so bad. These are thoughts I have often now, how I might cope with my terrible future. Because it used to be intermingled with fantasies in my head about how I'd naturally get my act together as the going got tough, as it became necessary that I do so. Slowly though, those phased out as reality set in. I stopped thinking those things because if anything at least I'm a realist.

So what will I do? What am I going to do? I don't know. Right now, I am going to blog all night. I am going to blog until I pass this damn class, because at least at this very moment I'm filled with enough loathing and self pity to get myself to do something. Perhaps that's the key to my success. Inordinate amounts of depression. Something has to do it, clearly. It probably is Adderall, maybe. I'm scared to change the person that I've been my entire life, though. I cherish myself more than I cherish my success, unfortunately. I think I've realized that there are enough people that I effect and that care about me that maybe I have to make sacrifices because people sure make a lot for me. I'm rambling, but I'm sad. Because I read all of this I'm writing and it's nothing I haven't said to myself a hundred thousand millions times.

My parents surely don't deserve this. I guess I do deserve this, but it sure feels unfair to me. So many people don't have to try to do their work, their mind more easily lends itself to such behavior. No one likes school, or homework, obviously, but at least they don't have to hate themselves to be productive.